Character charter

Thought of writing about myself for a start.

I am a Christian (proud to be one) from a typical Indian family. I've finally settled down in Chennai and I find it a very nice city (honestly) apart from the heat because I usually fall sick if the temperature is too high. I'm on the verge of completing my graduation in commerce.

The last five years of my life have changed my outlook towards life to a great extent (the details of which you will know in my succeeding blogs) I've gone through a roller-coaster ride, wont say it was heart-breaking and taxing and all, I'd just take it as part of life, something we all have to go through. Even though at those roller-coaster moments, I've felt as if everything around me is crumbling to pieces, my life here is meaningless and that I just wish I could die !! [Well, I STILL GET THE SAME FEELINGS] Every time I go through such a phase, I keep trying to console myself that everything will be alright, but I just cant stay calm unless the problem gets solved. I get hyper tensed and all jittery. The only distinguishing factor is that I try as much as possible not to show such feelings of mine to others around me. I try to remain as discreet as I can be about my emotions, my troubles and so called tribulations. There are two conflicting reasons to why I do it and sometimes dont. One is I feel, that if I share my problems, I might unnecessarily burden someone else and waste their time and in the process, remind myself of what I'm going through. I also have this pride thing that what happens to me concerns only me and is my headache. Second is if I dont share, I may further depress myself and not get myself out of it. Whether those who are close to me, believe it or not, I must tell you that I really value you and everything you say or do affects me but I somehow never let you know. I just have this notion of maintaining a distance with everyone because I suffer from a fear. The fear of hurting and losing them. So I feel if I avoid sharing my feelings with them, I can maintain distance. I can bear pain silently since I always have in my life. But what I cannot bear is when I hurt someone whether intentionally or unintentionally. I have to learn to forgive myself but just cant do it. Anyway, I guess God will help me overcome my fear and iniquities.

On the face, I seem to be a nice friendly girl, but I am very choosy about whom I talk to. Sometimes, it takes a long time for me to get comfortable with talking with a person and sometimes, just one meeting would do it. I must admit that I am more friendly with girls and approach them without any hesitation, if need be. But not so the case with guys. It takes some time to trust and know them. I wonder why I am that way. Either because I've been in institutions only for women or because I have some kind of apprehension towards the male gender. I see almost every guy with an eye of suspicion though no man has harmed me but still. But again, if we do become friends, I treat him with all due respect that I would treat any of my female friends. I do not differentiate among friends. And yeah, I havent had any thing of being struck by love and all that, so do not expect me to share anything with that respect because there is nothing to share :P

Some randomness:
Apart from the above, I personally feel I am a pampered brat and cant do things on my own without the assistance of someone. I am insensitive most of the times to things happening to those whom I dont know and ignore them. I hate guys who eve tease and especially when educated people act like IDIOTS ! For eg, when daily bus commuters dont know HOW to STAND PROPERLY in the bus WITHOUT FALLING OVER SOMEONE/STAMPING OTHERS' FEET. I love fruit juices more than food :D and finally, I'm surprised I'm writing this blog.

Signin off for now,
a novitiate

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